This Mortal Coil

I am my own worst enemy.  We have all been guilty of this at one time or another, some probably more than others.

I have a tendency to become paranoid when things are "going smoothly" or simply progressing along the path. It's a subtle form of self-sabotage that starts out like one grain of sand caught in my eye and soon multiplies, forming dunes in my brain and organs, suffocating my heart.

When this occurs, naturally I am more prone to ignoring my instincts. I deny the things that flourish in my soul.

When I first received Chrysalis Tarot, more than 10 weeks ago, I asked the deck some questions upon making its acquaintance.

The questions were:

• What is my highest potential (energy)?
• What is my lowest potential (energy)?
• Who am I to the outside world?
• Who am I to you (the deck)?
• What is possible for me to accomplish with this deck?

The answer to my hightest potential (energy) was:   FOUR OF MIRRORS



I was not very familiar with the deck, at that time, obviously. So my first reaction was to whisper, "Oh, shit."

 

I did, indeed, identify with this image and its intended meaning.

 

One thing I do when I want to escape from whatever may be weighing on my shoulders is I go to the mirror with my curling iron and start sculpting away at my wild hair. It's like a form of therapy. I raise my hands over my head and the whole process forces me to look into my own eyes.

 

What's behind the brown/black orbs in my face? Well, sometimes it's immense love -- maybe even too much. And when it "feels" like too much, I believe a defense mechanism kicks in, wherein my eyes turn even more black. Compassion escapes with the flecks of golden brown running out on me.  A false association with safety pours over, and the emotion "turns off."

 

Still, it proves time and again how unsafe it is to succumb to my preoccupations, as I will most certainly become burned while primping, clueless -- lost in my sea of impertinent thoughts. It is extremely beneficial to reflect, but when you reach a point that you are concocting things in your mind, trying to force your heart to believe the illusions of your weakened perceptions, it's time to let the strips of hair you're coiling around your fingers flow free. 

 

When I am unobstructed, meaning acknowledging my true self, my instincts, my extremely sensitive heart, I am actually at my best. Just as in this card, when Daphne plays to her emotional strengths, she is most nurturing and empathetic.

 

I can be a rather salty creature at times. My words, as I have been told, can bite. And forget about my body language. I wear it all on my sleeve, as they say. And I am not writing this to beat up on myself or to say, I turn things off and I am detached. No. No. No.

This card does not entirely indicate that. I harken to the information conveyed, as I take it:   I am quite thin-skinned at times.  I have the ability to use this sensitivity in powerful ways. I can either gather it all up in my belly as a hot stew and desensitize. Or I can let it rise to the surface and gleam through my eyes like sparkling diamonds.  Maybe this energy can even overflow, like Daphne as a nymph, as my highest potential. I can let that side take over. I don't need to use my mirror for a silent-suffering scry.

The fiction of our dreams and the fractures in our fantasies can be very tricky. You must play a game of ascertaining what is to stay with you to fuel your journey. Sometimes we need to be fantastical to take the risks that are necessary on our life's path. But you can't get lost in delusion. No one ever said balance was easily achieved. Not for everyone.

I create many lists in my day-to-day life; grocery lists, deadline lists (for work), goal lists, etc. Sometimes I even jot down a purge list. This would include all the things I believe cause me pain; poor choices, other people (their words, their actions), unhealthy/dark notions. Sometimes I tear these purge lists to bits. Once in a while I will find one hiding in an old journal.

I do these things to better "live" with myself. To keep from being my own worst enemy. As Bjork sings in one of the most major anthems of my entire life, "Hyperballad:"

"I go through all this
Before you wake up
So I can feel happier
To be safe up here with you."

I go through "all this" to be safe with and within myself, to utilize my free will to be better, to be human, to be love.