The Butterfly Effect

I meditate in the morning.

This particular type of meditation is new to me. I wake up early while all is still and quiet.  I slip the Nine of Spirals from the Chrysalis Tarot in my pink, orange and yellow floral wallet, and I drive to an ordinary Catholic church in Whiting, Indiana.  (I live at the edge of Chicago in a little-known neighborhood called The East Side.  It's a steel mill graveyard.)  How I arrived at that place and how it came to be that I would begin meditating there is a story, in and of itself, so small yet so epic.  I will save it for another time. 

One of the issues I have in my life and within myself is the "Battle for Balance." As I sit here to write this, I realize, very slowly but surely, the mere idea of balance is finally approaching me -- or perhaps I have finally begun movement -- out of the fog of my lopsided logic. I say the "mere idea" due to the fact that I have been bringing and displaying a tarot card before the Blessed Virgin Mary while I pray and reflect upon the Mysteries, as they are called (they are different each day), of the Rosary. Immediately, what I have just stated may cause a gasp and chest clinch from the undying devout across the lands. I mean no disrespect. None, whatsoever. This is for me. This is a system I am implementing and using as one exercise for the betterment of my faith, my wholeness, healthy psyche -- balance.

What I hold tender and cherish from my youth, Catholic traditions such as praying the rosary and carrying a strong devotion to Mary, help me feel grounded. As I stated yesterday, this process stems from as far back as I can remember. Whether we benefitted from having the comfort of heat or did not have heat in the house, food or no food, harmony or arguments, we always had prayer. And it was actually kind of nice because even though the respect aspect and the honoring of the rituals were heavy fisted, there was no "you're going to hell for that" in our home.

My parents were very young. They were definitely not an average, conservative Catholic couple. Sometimes I assume their faith, their hopes, their dreams, their intentions were the saving grace in our dysfunction. (And every family has dysfunction.) I am fortunate in that our upbringing in this religion was based more on gratitude and loving one another.

I am digging deep to recapture that: gratitude and loving one another. Beginning with myself.

Again, I have a problem with self-loathing. I've done the average and above average 
amount of  "sinning." I beat myself up over it. I beat up others, even if it's only in my head:

"My parents messed me up."
"I'll never change. Just look at so-and-so from the family. They're nuts, too."
"I'm surrounded by jerks.  What do you expect?"
"It's his fault for lying to me."
"....I'm just too crazy...."
Super fruitless fodder swirling around in my head.

I like to bring tarot into the mix for meditation because of its distance from the traditional imagery, especially Chrysalis, in fire and brimstone icons of the Christian faith. And with so many nature-based themes throughout and a whimsical Troupe in the court cards to evoke the notion there is a personal hero lending a hand as you slide deeper into your rabbit hole, this too helps me find safety in being grounded.

Yesterday I wrote a somewhat confessional entry. I hadn't realized until later on in the evening that I had written it on the fourth day of the week, the fourth day of the month in the fourth year of this decade. 444. This particular number means the connection with your angels and the angelic realm are very strong at this time. The definition/explanation also added that the number 4 is the number that represents the elements of Air, Fire, Water and Earth as well as the four sacred directions; North, South, East and West.

The Nine of Spirals is, and has been, my daily meditation card since the afternoon Friday, May 30th, 2014.

PERSERVERANCE is the keyword for this card.  The image is of Aeolus, Captain of the Four Winds.  The ravens swooping around symbolize the cardinal winds.  (p38)

"Wind is the great cosmic organizer. The Nine of Spirals is about holding fast to your course and shaping creative solutions when ill winds blow." Just another tender, intellectual explanation from the guidebook. (p39) 

The first day I went to the church to find a large statue of Mary, I was shocked, but not surprised to see it was a replica of the vision by Bernadette of Our Lady of  Lourdes.

 How I was guided there, again, is another exciting and beautiful story filled with synchronicity, tearful epiphany and joy.

I have to emphasize it was an extremely windy morning in the city.  And the winds carried on, raucously, throughout the day. The best way for me to describe it was it felt like several giants chuckling and coughing in between jokes, blowing the thoughts from my bones; negative and positive. Like my body and mind were starting over. What lends further evidence of synchronicity to this account is the happenings of the first apparition Bernadette experienced in 1858. She heard the sound of two strong winds blow through the grotto, but the trees and bushes did not move. From that moment, she was changed. She saw the light of Mary.

I have mountains to climb in terms of self discovery, but I was renewed that day. Upon all the messages I had been receiving, feeling confident I was supported by my Guides, I purged what I could through some tears and silent meditation, just following the "giants' chuckles," taking comfort in the shifts and whips of the breezes. The gusts moved through three open windows to the left of the statue, but my heart was still.

Several tears washed the Nine of Spirals.

And maybe all this sounds crazy. I guess it will to some. But it's part of my story in the path to recovery and discovery. I am certain with all of what and who I am, I keep receiving guided messages to show my talents. It's hard for me to know what that is, my talent(s).

I am generally a very friendly, bubbly person. I have received many compliments throughout my life about my warm disposition. I am not a shy individual. I never have been. But at some point in my life I became much better at writing down how I feel than saying it out loud. It became a key expression in conveying my emotions or retelling an account of what has happened in a situation. 

That is just the way it has been for years.

I am never really sure what to do with it. I have had people tell me "I still have all the emails you ever sent me," which is quite nice and such a compliment. (Thank you.) But I have also been teased and ridiculed for my words in the past. I suppose that shattered my confidence,  even though I know, perhaps, some of the taunting was out of jealousy or cruelty. 

I guess I'm just trying to get beyond that. It's part of my "garbage dump" process.  I suppose I am also just trying to document this journey of healing, this walkthrough of my evolving spiritual path because (and I know this is going to sound cheesy) we are all connected. I have seen and experienced this to such a magnitude that I know this theory and ideal is true.

I needed aid and assistance last weekend and people I have never met, who I would have never known existed responded without question. They were just GOOD PEOPLE.

And that's what I want to be. I think deep down inside that is what we all want. I truly believe it is what we are capable of as humans.

I'm not perfect, and I don't want to be perfect. But I want to feel that wind I heard and witnessed the other morning. I want the flutter of the butterfly to roar into an energy force so bright and honest inside me, all around me. I want the effects of positive spirituality. When I nurture these things, inside as well as out, I am at my best. And now that I am awakening to brighter ideas and more creative solutions, I can't even imagine the possibilities.

I want to be open to a sound spirit, and let the strong quality of light overflow into a storm of bright energy, washing over anyone who needs it. Hopefully my quest for balance will be successful.

Last night two cards "jumped from the deck."    

Six of Stones: "The Tree of Life's interwoven energy flows upward from its roots to nurture personal growth and self-understanding." (p24)

The Healer: "....She'll inspire you to collect honey from the many blossoms of your experiences and turn it into a mystical balm of healing." (p51)

I didn't pull these cards. I was merely putting everything back in its box and they nearly poked my eye out, both of them. They "jumped."

So I ask: How high?
It may take a long time, but I am willing to see to reaching my greatest potential.

Be well.